Background Checks

It is time to discuss my favorite topic…. BACKGROUND CHECKS! It may seem like a simple process but it is not as simple as filling out some basic information and putting in your credit card information. Some important questions you should ask before “purchasing” a background check are as follows:

1.       How many states are included?

2.       Is the National Sex Offender Data Base Included? (Not Commonly included)

3.       What information will I have access to?

4.       Will Driver’s licenses and social security numbers be included?

5.       Will all known addresses, phone numbers, and relatives be included?

6.       Will all criminal and civil cases be listed?

7.       How much will it cost?

8.       Is there a monthly subscription somewhere in the fine print? (internet searches only)

9.       How comprehensive is the final report and what information can I expect to receive? (Private investigator or Litigation Consultant)

Let’s start with the most “convenient” and “cheapest” alternative to a professional. There are 2 routes, one of which I do NOT recommend, and one that is limited to the State you request the background check from. The first option, if you are sure the person has not been in trouble in or lived in multiple states, is a state run background check through The Department Of Public Safety (DPS). It is moderately priced; however, it is only a criminal background check. The option that so many people chose is the easiest to find, it’s the thousands of internet sites out there that claim to be thorough and include a comprehensive background report. Here is the truth, those sites do not include social security or driver’s license numbers. You may be asking why that is important right now, and why would I need that information. It is extremely important! Your driver’s license and social are used for EVERYTHING!!! When is the last time you filled out any type of application that didn’t ask for that identifying information? When a person is arrested, buys a car, rents or owns a home, utilities, etc., it is reported to certain databases. As a professional with access to these types of databases, I can tell you that it is not easy to gain this type of access! As a professional with access there are office inspections, contracts signed, and they are not $2.99 (with some sort of language in the terms and conditions that allow future charges of 19.99 to 49.99 per month)! If you are going to try a site like public data, use a preloaded credit card to avoid problems with your bank account later. No internet based company can comply with the requirements of having access to this type of information. Most of the information on these sites comes from public records and social media. It can be a great place to start, if you know what you are doing.

                In my experience, most people do not realize that even a comprehensive background check with all of the information I discussed above, is only a starting point! If you are involved in litigation, it is a good idea to know everything about the person on the other side!! In court, you can never be over prepared. Lawyers are good at what they do, and part of their job is to conceal any negatives about their clients, and highlight the positives. When the negatives do come out it is important for the attorney to do “damage control”. In court, you get a limited amount of time to tell a stranger (the Judge) what you want him or her to know in order to make a decision about your life. When you think about the big picture, you are spending anywhere from an hour to a week with a person who might decide something that affects your entire life, and the lives of others!!! The best thing you can do is be prepared and use your time wisely and efficiently. That is what a good background check will do for your case.

                What are the components of a quality background check and what should it look like? A background search should always include previous and current addresses, phone numbers, and relatives, as well as driver’s license number and social security number. If it has all of these things, you will get a decent result on the criminal background history. Here are some things you might be asking yourself:

1.       Why are addresses so important? Do I need to know all of the places they lived?

ANSWER: Yes, you need to know as many addresses as possible. More specifically, you need to know the counties and states a person has lived in. Each county in each state has its own District and County Clerks, which keep track of the public records in their respective county. This will include both criminal and personal (property, marriage, etc.). If the other person has a history of criminal behavior, your attorney can subpoena the call logs from law enforcement for specific addresses, but you have to have the names and addresses in order to subpoena them.

2.       What will the driver’s license and social security numbers help me with?

ANSWER: There are multiple sites including DPS, in which you can retrieve information concerning the person using the driver’s license number and date of birth, such as do they have a valid driver’s license, warrant information, and suspended license, or a failure to appear. You can use it to search several other databases but I will save that for a later blog.

3.       Why do I need to have someone search for public records? Can I do it myself?

ANSWER: It is not a simple process to search public records, nor are they as public as you might think. Public records are available to the “public”. However, you have to know how and where to search for the records that you want or need. For example, if you are looking into someone’s criminal records, you would search the district and county clerk’s records. Most large counties are online; however, the small counties are not and you have to call down there and ask about specific records. Some of those records, if they are recent, are also not going to appear on even the best background searches. That’s where the addresses come in. In order to access the records, you usually need a login ID and Password, which you can set up with the Clerk, and wait for access, then you have to learn how to use the site. It isn’t extremely difficult if you know and understand the basic layout of the sites.

4.       What do I offer in a background check?

ANSWER: A comprehensive background check, which is through one of the best background databases available, is used by private investigators, law enforcement, and attorneys, will include all of the items that are discussed in this blog, as well as a separate national sex offender search, driver’s license search through DPS. If you would like me to pull further information, such as social media, case records for all criminal and civil suits that can be included as well, if not, I will include a summary of the case search for your records.

5.       Can you work with my attorney to help my case?

ANSWER: As a legal assistant and litigation consultant, I am able to work well with your attorney to organize the information in a manner that is most useful to him or her in court to minimize the additional costs of having your attorney re-organizing the information and creating a new “Trial Notebook” for the evidence that is collected.

6.       How much can I expect to spend?

ANSWER:  If you or someone you know need help with this, please give me a call, and we can discuss your needs. I like to start with the basic searches which are only $50.00 per person, and go from there.     

Know Your Role! Be The Adult.

There are two sides to every story… Especially in court! Keep in mind that the advise I give on this blog is based on personal experience in my own case as well as things I have seen throughout the cases that I have worked on. The one thing that I experienced over and over in my own case, and see other parents going through in their cases is what I like to call “button pushing”. In every situation there is at least one button pusher, and in most cases both parties are guilty of it at least at some point. This is usually the result of anger toward the other person, unresolved feelings, or a feeling that the other person is not meeting expectations as a parent. Regardless of the situation, it is a natural part of co-parenting and custody cases.

Everyone wants to look like the “good guy” in front of the judge, and most people have this belief that in order to do that you have to make the other person look like they are in some way “difficult” or “unstable”. One person has to make it look like the other person is the one that is making the situation far more difficult than it has to be. This is one of the biggest pit falls that you can become susceptible to.

Making your ex look like the “bad guy” should not be your objective. Your objective should always  be the best interest of your children and the truth. Too many people get caught up in trying to annoy their ex and goad them into saying things out of anger because they are frustrated. That is easy to do when you have spent years with a person and had children with them. You know what little things irritate them and they know just the right thing to say or do to get under your skin and get a reaction out of you.

The most important thing you can do throughout your case is focus on what is best for your children. Do not worry about the petty quips your ex throws at you so they can get you on tape “making everything a fight”. Don’t let them paint the picture of who you are to the judge with a few bad moments where you lost your temper, or maybe didn’t have the nicest tone. Be respectful even when you disagree with their position.

Here are some examples:

1.       (ex) I am going to switch visitation because I have to work on the day it is court ordered, so I will be there on a different day instead.

(you) Our court order is specific to the dates and times for visitation, I am sorry that you were unable to arrange your work schedule around those times, but I have already made plans. I hope that your boss will be more understanding in the future.

2.       (ex) You are always trying to keep me from my children, what kind of parent does that?

(You) I am sorry that you feel that way, but it is not my intention. I am trying to maintain a balance and some consistency in their schedules. It is difficult for them when they are being shuffled back and forth, and they need a routine at this age.

3.       (ex) I don’t want my children around your new significant other because I don’t know them.

(you) I would be happy to introduce you to them if you feel that you can be courteous and respectful of our relationship. As a parent I also understand the importance of wanting to know the people our children are around. Maybe we could arrange a meeting between all of us without the children present first so that we can all get to know each other a little better.  

Obviously there are many more discussions to be had between exes and they can be pretty ugly and involve disparaging remarks, and unfortunately sometimes those are in front of the children. That is unacceptable behavior which you should be documenting and recording. Do not engage with this person, and remove yourself and your child from the situation immediately without making a scene. The secret to ending this type of behavior is to IGNORE YOUR EXES ATTEPTS TO HURT YOU!! Understand that this is not about  how much they love their children, it’s about how much they want to control you! The sooner you stop giving your ex power over your emotions and reactions, the sooner you and your children can finally be free to move on and live a more peaceful life.

How To Save Thousands Of Dollars In Legal Fees

I have built and entire business on helping people save thousands of dollars on legal fees, and increase their chances of winning in court. Most people would think that it all depends on the attorney that you hire, and most people would be wrong. Attorneys can only work with the set of facts that you give them. That is why every attorney tells you that you have to be completely honest with them and that you have to tell them everything. There is a gap that exists between attorneys and their clients sometimes, and that’s where I usually come in.

I have addressed documenting everything in a previous blog called “Make A Record Of Everything“. If you haven’t read it, take the time to do so now and then continue with this blog. If you are not an attorney and you have no experience in the legal profession, then you probably don’t know what is relevant, and what is not. After reading “Make A Record Of Everything”, you can see how your part in your case is just as important if not more important than the attorney you hire.

It is crucial that you gather all of the documents pertaining to your case prior to meeting with your attorney. Make one copy for your attorney and keep, one copy for yourself. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES come into your attorney’s office with an unorganized stack of papers for them to sort through! Show your attorney that you care about your case and are willing to be an active participant by coming in with a BINDER. Use color coding and tabs in both of your binders and keep them up to date as you receive information that is relevant to your binder. Also send a copy of the same record to your attorney via email or fax and let them know what tab it goes under. Your attorney will appreciate that and you will see a direct reflection in your bill! Make a habit of only sending one email a week at most with new documents. The remainder of this post is dedicated to how to set up your binder. This will include Labeled tabs that should be color coded and subtabs which I like to make white.

Now for the information you need to put in that binder:

COLORED TABS:

1. Correspondence Between Parties

• Text Messages (organized by dates and labeled by content)
• Phone recordings (Labeled and date and time stamped on CD in Envelope with a brief description on the envelope.)
• Phone records (organized by month, to back up all call and text logs)
• Emails (by date with brief description)

2. Social Media

• Pictures
• Facebook (organized by month)
• Twitter (organized by month)

3. Medical Expenses

• Summary (excel spreadsheet showing all invoices and payments)
• Invoices and Receipts
• Records from Doctor Visits
• Copies of Prescription medications
• Hospital Visits

4. Child Care Expenses

• After school programs
• Sports or Extracurricular Activities
• Baby Sitters

5. Visitation Calendar (Missed Visitation)

• Monthly tabs with a calendar for each month

6. Journal Entries

• Monthly Tabs with Journal Entries for each significant event (if your child tells you something disturbing or has unexplained marks or bruising you should document that here with pictures if applicable).

 

If you find yourself in a child custody suit, your binder is your best friend. Be diligent about keeping up with it, and be diligent about making sure you send updates to your attorney. I like to add a table of contents and summaries to my tabbed sections as well. This is something that will save you thousands of dollars in legal fees by doing yourself rather than having to call and have hours of conversations with your attorney. If you need help getting started with this process, I am available to help at a much smaller fee than your attorney will charge to prepare these items. Every case is different and requires a different set of information that needs to be provided. This is an exercise in staying organized and being an active participant in your own case.

Check out my website for more helpful information and contact information

Domestic Violence

I have thought a lot about blogging about the topic of domestic violence, and had never done it before because although I was a victim myself, I didn’t realize just how prevalent it was, and just how little help there actually is out there for women who are the victims. I knew after hearing two different stories from two different women that this really is a bigger issue than anyone really wants to admit, including the victims. The  National Network To End Domestic Violence is full of information concerning the many different types of abuse such as: Financial Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Reproductive Coercion, and Digital Abuse.

You are not alone! Here are the shocking statistics on Domestic Violence from The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

National Statistics

• Every 9 seconds in the US, a woman is assaulted or beaten.¹²
• On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.¹
• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.¹
• 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.¹
• 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.¹
• On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.⁹
• The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.¹⁰
• Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.²
• Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.²
• 19% of domestic violence involves a weapon.²
• Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior.²
• Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.²

RAPE

• 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States has been raped in their lifetime.¹
• Almost half of female (46.7%) and male (44.9%) victims of rape in the United States were raped by an acquaintance. Of these, 45.4% of female rape victims and 29% of male rape victims were raped by an intimate partner.¹¹

STALKING

• 19.3 million women and 5.1 million men in the United States have been stalked in their lifetime.¹ 60.8% of female stalking victims and 43.5% men reported being stalked by a current or former intimate partner.¹¹

HOMICIDE

• A study of intimate partner homicides found that 20% of victims were not the intimate partners themselves, but family members, friends, neighbors, persons who intervened, law enforcement responders, or bystanders.³
• 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.⁸

CHILDREN AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.⁵

ECONOMIC IMPACT

• Victims of intimate partner violence lose a total of 8.0 million days of paid work each year.⁶
• The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $8.3 billion per year.⁶
• Between 21-60% of victims of intimate partner violence lose their jobs due to reasons stemming from the abuse.⁶
• Between 2003 and 2008, 142 women were murdered in their workplace by their abuser, 78% of women killed in the workplace during this timeframe.⁴

PHYSICAL/MENTAL IMPACT

• Women abused by their intimate partners are more vulnerable to contracting HIV or other STI’s due to forced intercourse or prolonged exposure to stress.⁷
• Studies suggest that there is a relationship between intimate partner violence and depression and suicidal behavior.⁷
• Physical, mental, and sexual and reproductive health effects have been linked with intimate partner violence including adolescent pregnancy, unintended pregnancy in general, miscarriage, stillbirth, intrauterine hemorrhage, nutritional deficiency, abdominal pain and other gastrointestinal problems, neurological disorders, chronic pain, disability, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as well as noncommunicable diseases such as hypertension, cancer and cardiovascular diseases. Victims of domestic violence are also at higher risk for developing addictions to alcohol, tobacco, or drugs.⁷

When you look at all of the numbers it is shocking how many women are suffering in silence, and how dangerous it can be not only to live in the dangerous situation, but also how dangerous it can be to get out of the situation.

If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic violence please check out the links in the blog post. I want to include one additional link for legal help for women in this situation. Womenslaw.org is a full of helpful links regarding your options, and help to take the necessary steps to plan for a safe exit strategy.

I will be making additional post regarding Domestic Violence in the near future. I am currently researching and investigating the help that exist through local state and federal resources and will be including them in part two of this blog series. Until then, stay safe, and know that you are not alone. If you haven’t asked for help or confided in someone about the abuse that you are suffering, I urge you to find at least one person you can trust, and that might be able to help you find a safer solution for yourself and your children.

 

 

Don’t Talk About Your Case Or Your Personal Life With Others

One of the most important things to remember when you find yourself in the most trying parts of your case, is that talking about it isn’t always the best solution. When you are going through a child custody case, you should not talk to openly or freely about your case with friends, or even relatives. The one person you can trust in this is your attorney. Your attorney has probably explained what attorney-client privilege is and how it works.

If you are talking to friends, co-workers, or even family members about your case, you must know that they are not bound by this same privilege. Anyone who may have relevant information can be subpoenaed to testify, and will be forced to tell the truth under oath, and subject to penalties of perjury. Which means that talking to other people about your case could cause a problem for you and your attorney as trial approaches.

The other consideration when talking to friends is the concept that we all learn as children called the telephone game. If you are going through a very contentious case, then imagine the damage that could be done if you have a mole! Don’t trust your friends, co workers, or even family members with any information that you wouldn’t tell your ex directly!!! Sometimes people repeat something you have told them to someone they may not realize is still friends with your ex.

Last but most certainly not least, be aware of what is out on social media about you! DO NOT POST ANYTHING PRIVATE OR PERSONAL ABOUT YOURSELF OR YOUR CASE!!! Be aware that everything you are posting on social media can be discoverable during the course of your case, and is most often found by a “mutual friend” and turned over to the other side.

The Long, and short of it, is to be very careful about who you trust and what information you are forthcoming with. Protect yourself and your friendships by not allowing other people to become a part of your case! The bonus there is that you get to use time with your friends as an escape from the stress of your case instead of making them part of it.

Rule No. 3: Dress For Success

I want to share something about court that most people don’t think about! How you look will determine how the judge perceives you. Judges are better about trying not to form an opinion too quickly based on a person’s appearance, but psychological studies have shown that most people form some kind of impression about a person within 7 seconds of seeing them. Studies have further shown that in most cases that first impression will be more important to a person than actual facts! What this means is that a person will look at you and within 7 seconds decide whether or not they believe that you are trustworthy! People tend to “go with their gut” and trust their own instincts first.

This is my favorite subject when studying how the court system works because it is by far the most fascinating in my opinion. If you want to learn more about this look into the jury consulting in the cases of Casey Anthony, O.J. Simpson and  Amy Fischer. Learning these things will not just help you in court but it can also help you achieve more things in your personal and professional life.

The first issue I would like to address is that: THE COURT ROOM HAS A DRESS CODE! You should never go into a courtroom wearing any of the following: shorts, tank tops, flip flops, short skirts, short dresses, or short tops.

For Women:

1. Wear knee length skirt, or dress pants;
2. Wear a shirt that covers cleavage area, stomach, and any tattoos;
3. Wear closed toe shoes with a moderate heal or nice dress flats (don’t wear 6 inch heals);
4. Do not wear too much make-up or too much jewelry; and,
5. Make sure your hair is nicely styled, if you have a “non-conformist” haircut try to make it look “normal” for court.

For Men:

1. A suit and tie with a dress shirt, with dress shoes, or
2. dress pants, a collard button down shirt, and a tie, with dress shoes; and,
3. Make sure your hair is nicely styled, if you have a “non-conformist” haircut try to make it look “normal” for court.

Now for my favorite part, how to select the right look to persuade a judge or jury in your favor before your case is ever presented! The link below is to one of my favorite articles on how psychology is used in the courtroom. I am going to pull some of the most interesting parts to try and condense it some.

“The jury is going to form impressions of you based on subtle characteristics of personality and attitude, and dress is one important element,” says Robert Gordon, a Dallas-based psychologist and jury consultant. “Whether you dress casually or formally, wear a tie or a dress, choose bright or dark colors, all make a difference in terms of how you are perceived.”

The suit also acts as a disguise, a cover for complicated individuality. “You want the defendant to look as much like everybody else as possible,” says Gordon. “You don’t want the clothes to make a statement.” Although consultants often try to “humanize” their clients, making them appear more appealing and accessible, they also seek a certain anonymity. The generic-looking defendant becomes a blank screen upon which jurors can project their own fears: that could be my neighbor, they may think, or that could be me.

It’s also important to think about the more subtle messages that apparel can send. While a business suit is usually a safe choice, there may be cases in which it’s not. Ms. Phillips says she represented a high-ranking female executive recruiter, who favored severe dark business suits, in a child-custody case. She sent the woman shopping for “pastels and skirts,” she says. “I wanted her to look vulnerable.” Meanwhile, a double-breasted suit, with its air of entitlement, may be too smug.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200909/judging-appearance

An article in the wall street journal says “One California judge I spoke with says she takes account of both the appearance and the behavior of those who come before her court. Sloppy dress at trial might seem to add to the case against a father accused of neglectful child-rearing, she says. Or a woman who is claiming poverty in a financial hearing might undermine her case if she’s wearing highly expensive clothing.”

Here is a nice chart that shows the positives and negatives associated with each color. You will notice you can never go wrong with white, which you can positively accent with silver and gold! I also only wear grey or navy to court to avoid the negativity associated with Black.

I hope you enjoyed this one. I will try to follow up with some pictures of some of my favorite court outfits! Feeling confident and looking your best will help you keep your sanity through litigation!

Rule Number 2: Litigation Is A Chess Game

Anyone reading this, and going through a custody suit, thinks the exact same thing… this is not a game, this is my child. It is true that it is your child, and if you are saying this, you are the person that needs to read this more than anyone! If you are in a custody suit you have probably hired an attorney, if not, you need to! Once you realize that you and your ex are not going to come to a peaceful agreement based on what you both agree is best for your child, you are relying on attorneys, and the judge, who doesn’t know either of you or your child, to make a decision that is best for your family. Now, you have spent thousands of dollars to hire someone to trap the other person, make them look bad, and convince a judge that you are right! Your ex has done the same!!! That is where the game comes in. There are several tricks that your ex might try to win over the judge by making you look bad. You may be thinking that you want to try these tactics, or you might feed into them, just keep reading. Once you have the information you can stay calm, see what’s happening, and avoid the traps.

One of the most common tricks that parents will use to win a court case is trying to force a reaction out of the other parent. A common trick is trying to prove the other person is crazy. If you have any type of psychiatric disorder this is worse for you than other parents. Your ex will try to prove how unstable you are and that you are not “safe” for your child to be around. This is why it is important for you to follow up with your doctor at every appointment and take ALL medications as prescribed. If you are the type of person who is easily riled up when your ex pushes your buttons, you are the target! Your ex will call, or text, and talk to you about what a terrible person you are, mistakes from your past, and how you aren’t a good parent. They may try to trick you into admitting things on a recording!!! If they are following rule number one by documenting everything you are saying. Don’t say or do anything that you wouldn’t say or do in the courtroom in front of the judge!!! ALWAYS ACT LIKE THE JUDGE IS GOING TO SEE OR HEAR IT BECAUSE HE MIGHT!

They also might try to call and cry, say they made a mistake, and convince you that they want you back. This is dangerous because without an order in place, they have as much right to take the child as you do! You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you have allowed your ex back in because you believed them, only to wake up and find your child and your ex are gone and you have no idea where they are. If your ex really wants to try and make it work, then they wont mind getting an order in place first to make you feel safer.

Another common tactic of an ex is to be hypercritical of your parenting. Are you taking your child to the doctor, dentists, shot records, etc… Your ex may look at school records to see if the kids have too many absences or tardies. Do the absences also correspond with doctor visits? Are you facilitating structure and education in your home? Your ex will criticize what you feed your child, how late you let them stay up, your daily routines, extra curricular activities, church activities, and family relationships. Another one that we will discuss later is parental alienation (this deserves its own separate blog post!). This is where your ex or their family members talk bad about you to your child in an attempt to destroy your relationship with your child. Don’t get in a habit of defending yourself to your ex. The two of you have decided to go to court because you cannot agree on how your custody arrangement is going to work. Talking about these things with your ex will only end up hurting you in the long run.

Be ready for this one, especially if you are a newly single mother! If there is no child support order in place, you will probably start to notice that money will become a bargaining chip. If he knows you need it, and you are paying an attorney, he will deny it, or at the very least become very undependable about paying on time. This puts you under a lot of stress, and a weakened state financially, and that’s when he will do one of two things: Try to bargain with you for more of what he wants, or its when he will try to show the judge that you cannot financially support the child! He may also try to push you into an argument. Don’t argue about it!!!! Do not call him a dead beat or say that he doesn’t support his kid!!! If you are going to send a message about child support, talk it over with your attorney first and make sure they help you, or approve the email prior to sending it. Let the court handle it. Make sure your attorney is aware of what the normal child support payments where and what they are now, so that he/she can make a valid argument in court.

The best advice I have for someone going through an ugly custody dispute is to talk to your ex as little as possible, and limit the topics you are willing to talk about with them and stick to it. Talk only about positive things going on in your child’s life, sports schedules, school events for parents to attend,  visitation days and times, and nothing else. Do not talk to your ex about your personal life, your job, or money. Always stay calm when talking to your ex, and remember giving them a negative reaction is letting them win! Plan out each move you make carefully, and ask yourself before you do or say anything: “would I do or say this in court in front of the judge?” Always consult your attorney before making any decisions or changes to the status quo. Understand that you hired an attorney because they know what they are doing, and you do not. Listen to advice, and remember that they do this every day!

Let the lawyers play the chess game so that you can keep your sanity!

RULE NUMBER 1: MAKE A RECORD OF EVERYTHING

When you are in the middle of a custody battle, the worst thing you can do is lose control of yourself.  If you feel like your ex has taken the power away from you, there are some simple ways to take it back. The first one is to make a record of everything. It keeps you on your best behavior, and if you follow the steps below, it  gives you a way to prove your ex’s bad behavior to the court. Once you have mastered keeping a record of everything, you will realize just how much better you feel about your chances with the judge.

First things first, If you have been diagnosed with any psychiatric disorder, depression, anxiety, ADHD, whatever it is, make sure you keep all doctors appointments. Take your medications, and don’t think that a judge will think you are unfit if you are on medication! The reality is that no one looks down on someone who is taking care of themselves. This will be a difficult time and you will need to stay “normal”. Make sure you keep copies of your prescription records so that when your ex tries to bring up your disorder you can easily show that you are taking the appropriate medications and seeing your doctor regularly.

The second most important thing you can do is get a Microsoft one drive(www.onedrive.com)! It will help you keep your sanity through all of the chaos. Its free and you can download an app to access it on any mobile device as well as on any computer. This is the best place for you to keep all of your relevant documents, and you can access them any where, including the court house should you forget to bring something to court. This also protects you from a computer crash, and makes your documents accessible from anywhere with internet. My favorite part of using the one drive is that if someone calls and asks for something I can open the app on my phone, select the file, and have it emailed before I even hang up the phone! Trust me when I say that convenience will be your best friend during this crazy time! You will see the role my one drive played as you keep reading! (I promise I am not working for Microsoft LOL!)

One of the most important things that I can share is that when you are going through a child custody suit or divorce with children, it is stressful. You will forget important things and dates when they occurred. That makes it difficult to bring up in court a year later, or more depending on when you case finally gets to trial! The best thing you can do for yourself and your sanity is KEEP A RECORD OF EVERYTHING!!!

I liked keeping 2 journals, one for me that I could write down all of my horrible thoughts and feelings about my ex and what he was doing, and what I would like to do to him. It sounds crazy but writing it down was better than actually doing it! The other one was for writing down the important stuff that I wanted to remember for court like when he denied visitation, or when one of the kids said something about inappropriate behavior. I wrote down what was said or done on the date, and if possible the time it occurred and where we were.

I also kept a tape recorder on me during all conversations with my ex. I personally used an app called voice recorder pro to record all conversations, because it was easy to email or save recordings to my one drive.

I kept a printed copy and a pdf copy of all text messages, emails, and phone conversations stored on my one drive.

Here’s where you have to start doing some work… there are a million different social media sites today and most of you know that your ex is on at least 2 or 3, maybe more. The best thing that you can do is start collecting that information before you split up if possible, if not, get to work! Your attorney is not going to do any of this for you!!! Remember to check all the sites: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Google Plus, Tumbler, Vine, and then you can move on to dating sites if you have the patience. This is a good place to ask a friend for help, or pay a professional! You should look for any thing that you think will prove that your child is better off with you and that your ex is not the best person to be raising a child. I preferred to print to file and save all of the social media records and pictures on my one drive.

Good One Drive Folder Labels

Pictures

Facebook (organized by month)

Twitter (organized by month)

My Private Journal

Custody Journal

Text Messages(organized by dates and labeled by content)

Phone recordings (Labeled and date and time stamped)

Phone records (organized by month, to back up all call and text logs)

Emails (by date with brief description)

You are probably thinking this sounds like a full time job, and sometimes it feels like it is! This is the only way for you to control what you can control, which is the most important part of keeping your sanity while going through a custody suit. Keeping good and accurate records will help you have credibility in court, and keep your mind on something productive instead of responding to that nasty text your ex just left you! Remember a child custody case is a chess game, it takes skill,  patience, and practice to master. Take a deep breath, control what you can control, and the next time your ex wants to ruffle your feathers, make a record of it, show the judge, and take your power back!

Hello world!

As so many of you know, I am a legal assistant and have been for 12 years, but I am also a mother who has been through one hell of a roller coaster when it comes to divorce and child custody! After working with so many people struggling with the same types of emotional turmoil and difficulties that I have had, I thought why not write a blog, so here it is!

I want to share my experiences from a personal stand point, but also how being a legal assistant and being married to an attorney has helped me understand the process at a much deeper level. I want to try to answer some of the questions that so many people have to ask when they are going through a child custody suit. What should you be doing? What should you not be doing? What should you give to your attorney? Is it normal to feel overwhelmed?

The most important thing that I learned through my experience and being married to an attorney is that not knowing what to expect is the worst part. I kept my husband up for hours on end, day after day when I was going through my custody suit asking every question you could possibly imagine!!! I also read lots of books, and got lots of advice about what I should and should not be doing and that is what I want to share in this blog. I really hope you enjoy it and if this can help just one person than I will consider it a huge success!!!

Thanks,

Jill Pruitt Allred